Things I Learn in College

1. Quarters are like gold.

2. Be creative in the dining hall.

3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.

5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.

6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos

7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)

9. Showers become less important.

10. Sleep becomes more important.

11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!

12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").

13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).

14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).

15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.

16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.

17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.

18. You begin to nap again (also not new).

19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.

20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?

21. Labs used to be fun.

22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.

23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.

24. E-mail becomes your second language.

25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.

27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.

31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.

32. Roadtrip whenever possible.

33. Pick up all new lingo.

34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.

36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.

39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.

42. It was never this bad when you got sick.

43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!

46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.

47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.

48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.

53. Disney movies are more than just classics.

54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.

57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.

60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

61. You almost forget how to drive.

62. You'll drink anything if it's free..

63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.

64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.

67. You never realized how cool you can be.

68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.

70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.

74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties...

75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

79. Procrastination becomes an art.

80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.

83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.

84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.

86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

87. Classes: the later the better.

88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.

89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.

90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.

91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.

92. You just don't learn last names.

93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.

94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.

95. Card games never lasted for hours before.

96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

97. Boys will dance in college.

98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

99. You are never alone.

100. You find out what beer sludge is.

101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.

103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.

106. You never realized how quiet your house was.

107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.

108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

110. Your life will never be the same again.

Please Move Your Cars

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

Top 20 things Not To say To a Cop

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Its all In the Eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Finally a Day Off

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Church facilities for the sick

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill.
"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl.

"No." replied Mom.

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" asked Mom.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?"

"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'for the sick'."

How Sinful Am I?

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	High
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

The New Bull

On one sunny afternoon in a farm there are three bulls - elder, middle-aged, and a young - talking to each other about a new bull moving-in to their farm.

"I'm here in this farm for more than 50 years now. And I earned my rights to have 50 cows during the years. I'm not sharing one of my cows with that new bull coming-in." grumbled by the elder bull.

"I've been here for 30 years and I earned my rights to own 30 cows and I don't neither desire to give any of my cows with that new bull." growled the middle-aged bull.

"I only been here for 10 years and I know I earned my 10 cows as much as you guys do. I will not give even a single of my cow." says the young bull.

Suddenly, a huge steel-container truck came by. Inside is the new bull they are discussing about. It's the biggest son-of-another-bull they've been seen in their whole life.Every step it took shake the whole ground.

"Well, I've been here for quite some time now. It doesn't hurt a bit to give some of my cows with our new guy." exclaimed by the elder bull.

"I'm a friendly bull, perhaps I can give some of my cows with our guy for a welcome present." told by the middle-aged bull.

The young bull was shaking his horns, puffing, and all as if ready for some deadly fight.

The elder bull said, "My son, let me give you quick advice, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The young bull replies "Heck, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

What Are They Thinking?

After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...

Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"

Cat "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."

Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."

Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these fucking annoying wood chips.

Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my shit! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"

Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."

Bunny "I wonder if she will notice I shit in her pillow case?"

Immortality

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be
80?"

Dead Or Alive

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Earring Problem

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"

Smart Farmer

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Best wedding ever!

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

Stupid or Smart Questions?

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

True Love

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

The Interview

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The Envelopes

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".

Who's Smarter?

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."